Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Christmas In The Bottoms 
(An Excerpt--Dickens'  A Christmas Carol with a Little Soul)

The Bottoms was so poor, they couldn’t even afford a Santa Claus. Once a year a mysterious man descended into the depths of the bottoms and hollered “Ho! Ho!” He was so ugly he frightened the possums to death. They really died. None of that playing dead like they liked to do in stew pots and then jumping out at your ass on the stove. Folk called the mysterious man Creature Claus. Some believed he was either connected with the Nutcracker or connected with Ebenezer’s Pawn shop. His pawn shop was another business Ebenezer ran out of the garage of Glad Wrappings. Folks in the Bottoms tried to pawn anything they could to make ends meet. One diabetic pawned his amputated leg. Ebenezer gave him a nickel a pound for the blackened limb. The next day the restaurant side of Glad Wrappings ran a blue plate special called blackened Lamb Bone Hocks and Sweet Chittlins. How the chitlins got sweet? Well the old Cook got the salt and sugar mixed up and poured a cup of sugar in them steaming funky things. Of course Ebenezer being ever so thrifty, ordered the cook to throw in some stale biscuits and called the dish Chitlin Cobbler. That dish went to the old folks home three days later and killed five seniors. And guess who got the bodies?
As the Christmas Eve day danced merrily around Glad Wrappings Funeral Home and Barbecue Shack, three men not too wise, from the Bottoms Charity and Welfare Committee came to see Ebenezer about a donation to help buy turkey necks and yams for the widows and orphans.
“What they been eatin before Christmas,” Ebenezer asked peering up at the men as he pried the gold out of some dentures.
“Grits and grease,” the men replied in unison.
“What they going to eat after Christmas?”
“Grease and grits.”
“Well for Christmas, they should have a second helping of grease and be quite satisfied. Now get your ass out of my shop, before I slather you in barbecue sauce and  throw you in that crematory.” The men rushed out in a huff. “You the fat one can stay if you like,” Ebenezer called after the one with the rhinoceros butt.

Coming soon to your favorite eReader

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