How Not to Attract Readers--Round 2

This may not be too bad. It started off okay. Although I'm not sure if conversation/dialog is the way to start. But then that searing skin sort of made me go ouch!
As my previous post stated:

I'm starting to collect and share screenshots of poor writing examples. These are not meant to embarrass anyone. But I hope they become a catalyst for me and others to improve our writing as we seek to entice readers to support us. All of the screenshots are from the "Look Inside" on Amazon.

Please feel free to comment with writing and editing tips

Author's Amazon Page

http://amzn.to/AnGa42